Hey guys! I’ve been trying to figure out whether or not to write a post like this, but decided to go ahead and do it. I don’t usually talk about too many personal things on this blog (although maybe I have a bit more as of late) and I usually try to keep things upbeat and fun, all books all the time. Sometimes, though, you just need to admit that things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows, no matter how much you try and make them so. Times are tough these days.
I know that I am luckier than most, which is why when I have bad days, it’s even worse because I feel guilty for feeling bad in the first place. Why should I complain when so many other people have it worse? Compared to a lot of people, I am truly blessed. I know that. Most days, however, I feel completely weighed down by depression, anxiety, and chronic pain that is never enough to be incapacitating, but enough to make me feel lousy while not bad enough to actually make me stop and rest. Anytime I try to take time for myself, I feel really guilty for doing so, now more than ever.
And I hate it. I hate how the past couple of years has changed me. I hate how having COVID a few months ago changed me even more. It is so hard to be around people now, even people I trust, even family sometimes. And my COVID case was mild compared to so many. I was lucky enough to be fully vaccinated when I got it (I guess that’s a bit unlucky too, isn’t it – although it was completely my fault that I let my guard down and got exposed). I never had terrible symptoms, never felt like I needed to go to the hospital or anything like that. Being in quarantine and being scared that I would accidentally give this to a family member was rough. I also had to give up doing something that I truly loved because I was too sick and contagious.
Since then, though, my mental health has absolutely tanked. It’s being untreated too, although that will hopefully change in January once my health insurance gets straightened out and I can get back with my doctors. I also need to talk to my doctor about the possibility of having long haul COVID, as there are several symptoms that have never fully gone away, intense fatigue being one of them. It’s all I can do to get through the day sometimes. Couple that with my fibromyalgia and it’s a wonder I do anything. By the time I’m finished at my job, I’m ready to absolutely crash, but I can’t. There’s always something else that needs to be done, somewhere else I need to go.
And again, I feel bad complaining about this when so many people have had it worse and continue to have it worse. But the truth of the matter is that I feel completely worthless most of the time and, as of right now, I don’t know if that will ever change. I don’t see how.
I’m sorry for this post and my little pity party. This won’t be a regular occurrence, I promise. I think I just needed to be able to get it all out somewhere and this is one of the few outlets I have left. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for listening. We’ll be back to our usual fun and games tomorrow.